Roles and Assumptions

May 15, 2023May 17, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Over time, societal assumptions strongly influence family dynamics.

The underlying social premises are that self-employment is harder and deserves more consideration than working for someone else. Working while raising a family deserves more respect and accommodation than does a child free couple or individual. Money is the best measure of status. Living without drama is considered cold at worst and reserved at best.

This, of course, is the perspective of the divorced child free oldest sister (me) who actually lived away from home for nearly 20 years. With no family and only new friends and acquaintances available, an inclination toward reserved self-reliance was adaptive. When coupled with my independent egalitarian attitudes and a compulsion to ask “why,” my company is less than comfortable. And, I get tired of censoring myself just to keep the peace. (Probably why I’m divorced and contentedly single!) I also get tired of having the same arguments over and over again.

Fortunately, I usually find a few coworkers and friends who are interested in ideas: talking about them, comparing them, evaluating them. The trick is finding people who remain civil when their viewpoints are challenged. I enjoy a good discussion and have been known to argue against my own viewpoint just for the fun of it.

Since I don’t ask for help often, I’m taken seriously when I do. When asking for that help, I try to prioritize the other person’s circumstances. When I’m asked for my opinion, I give it. I try to do it gently and may even confirm it’s really wanted, but then I express it. I’m good at problem solving, at finding common ground and at establishing the parameters of a situation. I’ve gotten better at doing what I feel is right and letting go of the outcome. I am happy to express compassion and offer reasonable support. I will not offer platitudes or accept faulty reasoning. I don’t think assigning guilt or engendering it is helpful in relationships, especially among family. Hear both sides of the issue and then move on.

Within my family, this means I’ve assumed the roles of rebel, negotiator, advocate, critic and outcast … sometimes concurrently. I play caretaker judiciously. Since I’ve given family members persona designations, I’ve given myself one to be fair. As the family Ice Princess, I value logic over emotion and fairness over winning.

I implement my beliefs imperfectly. I slip back into consumerism. I avoid confrontation and procrastinate. I question the value of life. At bedrock though, I believe that everyone’s (and everything’s) life has value. And that includes mine.

Ethics · Personal · Pets

Being a Cat Person

April 29, 2023April 29, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

I’ve shared my life with a variety of animals and loved them all. But, in the end, I am a lover of cats.

Katie, Keith, Toby, Toejoe, Patches, Gidget, Enie, Sammy, Charlie (& Morris), Jesse James, Dusty, Merlin, Christmas, Grace, Molly, Murphy, Mouse, Bernie

Things I’ve Learned

Food should be wet, air dried, or kibble
Food should be high protein, no grain, minimal peas/lentils/potatoes.
Food needs to be composed of human quality ingredients, whole parts rather than meal.
Vaccinations increase the chances of cancers. If you have an indoor cat with little or no exposure, do not vaccinate.
Do not get all your vaccines at the same time. Do not get them in the same location.
Most vaccines, especially rabies and rabies combos, are effective up to 5 years. 3 years is a good compromise.
Never declaw (unless you want to inflict trauma equivalent to cutting off your own fingers and toes to the first joint). Arthritis, joint deterioration, pain and balance problems result.
Rescue when possible. Adopt specific breed rescues. Purchase ONLY from vetted and ethical breeders. (I had my heart set on a Scottish Fold.)
Spay or neuter after 5 pounds … or as soon as feasible. Doing so, decreases the chances of many health issues.
Don’t breed your pets. Too many pets still need homes.
Commit to your pets. They are not disposable for any reason, especially inconvenience.

Finally, cats are individuals. You should understand their individual personalities, learn their histories, and honor their boundaries. My Scottish Fold Bernie is a joy, but I wish he was more of a cuddler. He isn’t, but he is companionable and affectionate. Most of all, nobody has mistreated or been mean to him EVER. I raised him from a kitten after having rescues for 30 years. I loved those rescues, but I’m sad for who they might have been under better circumstances. And, I’m amazed at how loving and lovable they remained.

Ethics · Nature · Personal

Words To Live By

April 22, 2023April 23, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Aspirations are the only words worth living by because you are living up to then, but not living for them. You are still making choices yourself.

I try to act in line with who I want to be. I take that action and let go of the results. I do that because I can’t control the choices other people make and that always influences the outcome. Sometimes this is tiring. The temptation is to do what is easy and sometimes I do that because I’m certainly not perfect.

I try not to be pessimistic. My family indoctrination counts change as always dangerous rather than an opportunity. If someone helps, they always want something from you. If something could go wrong, it will. None of this promotes feelings of happiness or trust. I decided instead to give everyone and every situation a baseline of trust and let actions and events move that level up or down.

I choose to be independent, relying first on myself and only then on trusted people or social or government supports. “Better to plan for the worst and hope for the best.” My sense of belonging to groups is minimal and measured.

I care about justice, equity and fairness. I don’t believe in scarcity. For example, raising service workers to a living wage isn’t a referendum on my wages, my profession or my life choices. I’m a “progressive.”

Finally, I care about life. Sometimes fishermen need to take a hit to save the salmon. Life, living things and the planet all have intrinsic value beyond their usefulness to humanity. When we forget that, the ecosystem will correct for our hubris.