Category: Personal

Broken Hearted in Grade School
Family · Health · Memory · Nature · Personal · reading · School

Broken Hearted in Grade School

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Reading very quickly became my favorite thing.  By sixth grade, I was reading at twelfth grade level.  I often spent recess or other free time in the school library.  I was reading from one side to the other of the shelves in our small library.  When I got through fiction, I read biography and history.  Best of all, I found mythology.

Once I found mythology, I looked for stories everywhere.  Meanwhile, I experienced all the common childhood illnesses, including measles, mumps and chicken pox. I usually had bronchitis at least once each winter. I had walking pneumonia and a couple concussions. I didn’t break any bones, but I stepped on bees, sprained ankles and tumbled off bikes. Reading saved me during all the down time. I loved ordering Scholastic books at school and visiting the library.

After my open heart surgery at age three, I was followed pretty closely until released at age six. Because of the heart issues, my baby teeth needed dental work. My body was not my friend. I didn’t like failing and I didn’t like sports. I was competitive and felt that I couldn’t compete. Instead, I found solitary activities. I collected frogs from the garden and released them again. I rode my bike up and down hills in nearby grassy lots. I took books and snacks to make nests in tall summer grass. I liked badminton, swings and climbing trees.

I especially liked reading books and having them turn into movies in my head and feeling like I was living them. I had adventures and experiences. I was competitive intellectually and academically. I could plot and I could plan. All this was so good in so many ways, but helped set up the disconnect between ME and my body which was always disappointing or failing me.

Pseudonym
Family · Memory · Personal · relationships · Story · Uncategorized · Writing

Pseudonym

eBrightwingLeave a comment

I will probably have to make this the introduction to any memoir I write.

As I go about the process of living, I turn my life into stories. Individuals in these stories tend to be recognizable and some of them dislike that, even though I try to show all their facets, not just the bad and not just the good. Consequently, I will probably have published under a pseudonym. They will still be able to recognize one another, but they’ll likely remain anonymous to the rest of the world.

Old Friends
Family · Friendship · Personal · relationships

Old Friends

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I’m feeling light-hearted today.  I and two friends from childhood have maintained our relationships for more than fifty years.  One lives relatively close.  We keep in touch but visit infrequently.

The other is steadfast.  She’s one of the few people that I don’t censor myself with (much).  We see one another’s strengths and one another’s weaknesses and all that’s in-between.  We make time for one another: visiting, planning events, taking trips together, and we don’t judge.

When she lived near the ocean on the Oregon coast, I had “my own” bedroom.  When she needs tech support or employment advice, I’m available.  Discouragement and venting stays in the friendship vault.    Late in our lives, my mom is her second mom.

We choose our friends and, with luck and some work, they form the family that lasts.  As my birth family grows smaller and more contentious, I value old friends all the more.

Roles and Assumptions
Ethics · Family · Personal · relationships · Society

Roles and Assumptions

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Over time, societal assumptions strongly influence family dynamics.

The underlying social premises are that self-employment is harder and deserves more consideration than working for someone else. Working while raising a family deserves more respect and accommodation than does a child free couple or individual. Money is the best measure of status. Living without drama is considered cold at worst and reserved at best.

This, of course, is the perspective of the divorced child free oldest sister (me) who actually lived away from home for nearly 20 years. With no family and only new friends and acquaintances available, an inclination toward reserved self-reliance was adaptive. When coupled with my independent egalitarian attitudes and a compulsion to ask “why,” my company is less than comfortable. And, I get tired of censoring myself just to keep the peace. (Probably why I’m divorced and contentedly single!) I also get tired of having the same arguments over and over again.

Fortunately, I usually find a few coworkers and friends who are interested in ideas: talking about them, comparing them, evaluating them. The trick is finding people who remain civil when their viewpoints are challenged. I enjoy a good discussion and have been known to argue against my own viewpoint just for the fun of it.

Since I don’t ask for help often, I’m taken seriously when I do. When asking for that help, I try to prioritize the other person’s circumstances. When I’m asked for my opinion, I give it. I try to do it gently and may even confirm it’s really wanted, but then I express it. I’m good at problem solving, at finding common ground and at establishing the parameters of a situation. I’ve gotten better at doing what I feel is right and letting go of the outcome. I am happy to express compassion and offer reasonable support. I will not offer platitudes or accept faulty reasoning. I don’t think assigning guilt or engendering it is helpful in relationships, especially among family. Hear both sides of the issue and then move on.

Within my family, this means I’ve assumed the roles of rebel, negotiator, advocate, critic and outcast … sometimes concurrently. I play caretaker judiciously. Since I’ve given family members persona designations, I’ve given myself one to be fair. As the family Ice Princess, I value logic over emotion and fairness over winning.

I implement my beliefs imperfectly. I slip back into consumerism. I avoid confrontation and procrastinate. I question the value of life. At bedrock though, I believe that everyone’s (and everything’s) life has value. And that includes mine.

Living Bigger
Family · Memory · Personal · School

Living Bigger

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Living big, taking chances, trying new things is hard when staying small and quiet is a comfortable habit.  Watching and evaluating feels much safer.

Few children lived near me growing up and few who did were girls.  My parents were also very protective for the times.  I skipped kindergarten and was my teacher’s favorite in first grade.  Fortunately, I found a best friend and a couple of casual friends who saw me through grade school.  I read voraciously, rode my bike, played with my younger sister and spent a lot of time with family.  My grandpa retired young for health reasons, so I had three adults doting on me even before my dad got home from work and made it four.

The transition from grade school to junior high school (7th to 9th grades) was traumatic.  My best friend’s parents divorced and I felt very isolated without her.  For a long time, at home after school, I could actually replay the day to myself like a movie that happened to someone else while I watched from above.

Eventually, two of my casual friends stepped forward and were company at school, but I remained contained by family at home.  I was quiet and studious during the school day.  I got excellent grades and was rewarded for it with a boost to my allowance.  At home, I was talkative and energetic (when not reading), but I found joining in difficult in class.

Things might have continued in the same way right through high school, but I realized part of my unhappiness was within my control.  In my junior year, I decided to make changes.  I joined the National Honor Society and the pep club.  I attended football games, both home and away. I was a student aide in a couple classes. I got my driver’s license the following summer and it all helped.

Mt Saint Helens erupted shortly before the end of my senior year. I graduated in the top 10% of my class and left for college at the end of the summer.

My small life was getting bigger. I broke ground for my sister by fighting for my independence at home. I still felt as though something was missing, but I also had hope.

The Habit of Sorry
Family · gender · Memory · Personal · relationships

The Habit of Sorry

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From childhood, we start apologizing. Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Teacher. Sorry, World. At some point though, boys get a pass and girls just get habituated.

This conspiracy is built on a lie. The lie is that staying small (apologizing, not taking up too much space) will keep girls safe. In reality, this makes girls less safe because they don’t learn how to fight for themselves without also taking steps to ensure everyone else has had their needs met. That everyone else stays happy. Their power is muted. They try to keep the peace and minimize the danger. Staying small and saying “sorry” becomes a dangerous habit.

I find the current idiom of “sorry, not sorry” a useful transition. The recipient is disarmed. On the other hand, passive aggressive isn’t the best coping skill. I’ve learned to use disengagement. In a few memorable instances, I’ve said, “I’d only have this argument if I cared about your (fill in the blank). And I don’t.”

When my marriage was ending, criticism and control was so common that I slipped back into the automatic “sorry” habit to avoid constant conflict. The incident that made me realize it was:

My spouse was on overnight duty one summer weekend. Our duplex had no air conditioning and retained heat. We used fans to create air currents by pulling from the coolest side. We commonly left windows and doors open with screens only. I left the front door open and double locked the security screen door. I went to bed.

I was awakened early the next morning by banging and shouting. He was waiting at the door with a bunch of military gear. He wasn’t happy. He wanted to know why I’d locked up when I knew he’d have all his stuff with him. Still groggy, I started with “sorry” and began to explain. Then I stopped myself and asked, “Would you want to sleep alone in a house way out here with unlocked doors?” I got only an,”Oh, yeah.” I realized I’d been making myself smaller and letting him take up more and more space.

Habits are hard to break, especially when they are being reinforced. Trying to replace them with something else, like a question, helps.

Being a Cat Person
Ethics · Personal · Pets

Being a Cat Person

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I’ve shared my life with a variety of animals and loved them all. But, in the end, I am a lover of cats.

Katie, Keith, Toby, Toejoe, Patches, Gidget, Enie, Sammy, Charlie (& Morris), Jesse James, Dusty, Merlin, Christmas, Grace, Molly, Murphy, Mouse, Bernie

Things I’ve Learned

  • Food should be wet, air dried, or kibble
  • Food should be high protein, no grain, minimal peas/lentils/potatoes.
  • Food needs to be composed of human quality ingredients, whole parts rather than meal.
  • Vaccinations increase the chances of cancers. If you have an indoor cat with little or no exposure, do not vaccinate.
  • Do not get all your vaccines at the same time. Do not get them in the same location.
  • Most vaccines, especially rabies and rabies combos, are effective up to 5 years. 3 years is a good compromise.
  • Never declaw (unless you want to inflict trauma equivalent to cutting off your own fingers and toes to the first joint). Arthritis, joint deterioration, pain and balance problems result.
  • Rescue when possible. Adopt specific breed rescues. Purchase ONLY from vetted and ethical breeders. (I had my heart set on a Scottish Fold.)
  • Spay or neuter after 5 pounds … or as soon as feasible. Doing so, decreases the chances of many health issues.
  • Don’t breed your pets. Too many pets still need homes.
  • Commit to your pets. They are not disposable for any reason, especially inconvenience.

Finally, cats are individuals. You should understand their individual personalities, learn their histories, and honor their boundaries. My Scottish Fold Bernie is a joy, but I wish he was more of a cuddler. He isn’t, but he is companionable and affectionate. Most of all, nobody has mistreated or been mean to him EVER. I raised him from a kitten after having rescues for 30 years. I loved those rescues, but I’m sad for who they might have been under better circumstances. And, I’m amazed at how loving and lovable they remained.

Broken Heart
Family · Health · Memory · Personal

Broken Heart

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I was born with a broken heart and everyone knew it. I was too small for surgery. I had to wait. While I was waiting, I had to be quiet and careful. I had to be small when I wanted to be big.

I wanted to do everything. I wanted to feel everything. I wanted to know everything. I also wanted love. I also wanted approval. I tried to do as I was told and, when I did, I got love and approval. Doing what other people wanted, gave me love and approval. This was experience not reasoning. Call it conditioning.

My world was small, but I had my imagination and then I learned to read and I HAD BOOKS. And my heart was mended. But quiet and careful were already habits for me as expected by everyone.

The End In The Beginning
Family · Memory · Personal · relationships

The End In The Beginning

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How do you know when a relationship has ended?  There are obvious moments: When one of you asks for a divorce.  When you realize that you are happier when you arrive home to an empty house.  When you stop caring about his opinion because it is always so negative, or critical, or judgemental.

But a hundred tiny moments come before those big moments. Some are identifiable landmarks.  Others are cumulative.

In my case, I began by putting the other person first.  Every time I chose myself instead, the relationship developed a crack.  Those small cracks waited for the bigger events to fissure and spread.

The first cracks and the first landmark evolved together.  While he was away at basic training, he wrote and sent a “Dear Jane” letter which he followed with a request to destroy it without reading it.  I did. A few months later, he proposed by phone.  I planned the wedding.  When he got home, he visited a childhood friend and cancelled the wedding – also by phone.  At the time, I was unaware of any connection.  I called it cold feet and panic. We were young.

A few days passed. Driving home with my parents, I simply knew he was at the house waiting.  I told them and, when we got there, he was.  My grandfather had refused to talk to him, so he was napping in his car.  I talked to him. I was 21 years old. I agreed to wear his ring and to keep talking. All this resulted in the wedding he planned and I flew to Louisiana for. He forgot a bouquet and none of my family or friends could attend.

He shaped the circumstances, but I was always the one who chose and acted. I wound up with the responsibility.

I didn’t have to forgive. I didn’t have to say, “Yes.” I didn’t have to leave home.

Words To Live By
Ethics · Nature · Personal

Words To Live By

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Aspirations are the only words worth living by because you are living up to then, but not living for them. You are still making choices yourself.

I try to act in line with who I want to be. I take that action and let go of the results. I do that because I can’t control the choices other people make and that always influences the outcome. Sometimes this is tiring. The temptation is to do what is easy and sometimes I do that because I’m certainly not perfect.

I try not to be pessimistic. My family indoctrination counts change as always dangerous rather than an opportunity. If someone helps, they always want something from you. If something could go wrong, it will. None of this promotes feelings of happiness or trust. I decided instead to give everyone and every situation a baseline of trust and let actions and events move that level up or down.

I choose to be independent, relying first on myself and only then on trusted people or social or government supports. “Better to plan for the worst and hope for the best.” My sense of belonging to groups is minimal and measured.

I care about justice, equity and fairness. I don’t believe in scarcity. For example, raising service workers to a living wage isn’t a referendum on my wages, my profession or my life choices. I’m a “progressive.”

Finally, I care about life. Sometimes fishermen need to take a hit to save the salmon. Life, living things and the planet all have intrinsic value beyond their usefulness to humanity. When we forget that, the ecosystem will correct for our hubris.