Category: Society

I Don’t Need Permission
Ethics · Personal · Politics · Race & Gender · Society

I Don’t Need Permission

eBrightwingLeave a comment

Too many people today do nothing but wait. They wait for opinions, instructions, permission. Doing nothing is the irresponsible choice, but it is still a choice. Following blindly is the worst choice. I respect anyone who acts from their own convictions even when I disagree. I follow this paraphrase from the Wiccan Rede and expect them to do the same: And it harm none, do as you will.

A part of me blames the current political and social problems on laziness and celebrity culture. People have short attention spans and having real role models has been replaced by following social media and lifestyle icons. I am as guilty as any follower of pop culture with easy digital access. Despite this, when a new perspective is presented, I re-evaluate. For example, I read a recent post by a 20-something who’d just watched John Travolta in Saturday Night Live and was appalled. I remember feeling uncomfortable during parts of the movie, but quickly sloughing that off. (I was still in high school.) Her critique reminded me. The overall attitudes of the main characters and especially the scene where John Travolta sits in the passenger seat while his friends rape his girlfriend in the backseat really are appalling and the story could not be filmed today as filmed then.

Being a woman in a mostly masculine world (wife of an enlisted Army soldier and woman in tech), I am perhaps more sensitive to discrimination and bias that the average person my age. In addition, I’ve always been something of an outside observer. Carried to extremes, this led me to dangerous places, including being able to replay each day of 7th grade once I returned home as though it’d happened to someone else.

On the bright side, this meant I noticed things. Driving home from Atlanta to Augusta one Saturday, we stopped at a mall to grab something to eat. My husband hurried me through the process and I began to feel uneasy. Looking around, I realized we were two of the few white people in the mall and that the others were mainly store clerks. Returning to the car, I suggested that this might be a little like black people felt nearly all the time. My husband only reluctantly agreed. I began to pay more attention in public places and social gatherings … not just to skin color but also other differences. I’m sure I missed and still miss many instances of bias, but I also catch many more than I would without that incident in the mall and others that followed. The harder action is to say or do something to derail them when I do.

I started out as a shy and easily hurt child. As I grew, I put up walls and developed self-protective behaviors. I disliked conflict and confrontation. I was careful and I lived in a world with pretty concrete guidelines. On the other hand, I hate unfairness and injustice. That began to matter more and more and I began to develop social and conversational skills deliberately. I can honestly say that facts and actions matter to me much more than alliances and spin. My viewpoints are as credible as anyone else’s and much more credible than may of them I hear today. I don’t need approval or permission for any of them, but I am willing to hear any reasoned argument. I only wish others held that same standard.

First published on Medium, March 3 , 2020

Life Resets
Family · gender · Life Choices · Personal · relationships · Society

Life Resets

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On the nights that I have trouble falling asleep or at times when I can’t focus on any particular activity, my thoughts turn to rewriting my personal history and resetting my life. We all have moments in our lives that we recognize as turning points and game changers. Some were big and some small. Some good and others not. I tend to go back to the embarrassing moments or the moments when I didn’t trust my instincts and made a choice that committed me to something I later regretted.

An idea sneaks into my head: If I can remember the moment fully, in every detail, and completely immerse myself, could I rewind time and relive my life from that moment? Science has proved that time is not exactly linear. Experiments have proven that paying attention changes actions and outcomes. I know the moments that I’d go back to. Do you?

The two most recent moments:

1) When I got the email from my boyfriend’s estranged wife telling me they weren’t divorced and I found out he’d lied to me. I wouldn’t give him a pass. I wouldn’t subsequently feel responsible when their arrangement to share their residence (since his mother also lived with them and had contributed money to the purchase) failed and let him move in on a “trial” basis. I’d go slower on the relationship and I don’t know where we’d have wound up.

2) When I attended the Diamond Resorts promotion and got talked into adding points to my existing time share. The maintenance fees are high and resort availability where I want to go is little to none. I did get two vacations in Hawaii with my mom and sister (Maui and Kauai), but I’m inclined to return it to the company once the financing is paid off.

The first time I felt it as an adult, I took the promotion out of the Central Appointments section of the Fort Polk Army Hospital into a data processing center. At that time, as a GS-05, I was on a monthly rotating shift and in the lowest position on that shift. Data processing was a lot more mechanical than it is now. I converted things: tape to microfiche, punch cards to 8″ floppy diskette, multiple formats to dot matrix printouts. I had the option of returning to my former job, but we received orders from the Army to move to Alaska. I decided to tough it out for a few months instead. If that hadn’t happened, I would’ve gone back. The raise wasn’t worth it.

I really wonder how many people have similar tales. I bet everyone does. And I wonder how often we let external conditioning override our internal alarms. The trick is to learn from it and make the mistake less frequently!

Originally published at brightwingtoday.net on April 3, 2018.

Roles and Assumptions
Ethics · Family · Personal · relationships · Society

Roles and Assumptions

eBrightwingLeave a comment

Over time, societal assumptions strongly influence family dynamics.

The underlying social premises are that self-employment is harder and deserves more consideration than working for someone else. Working while raising a family deserves more respect and accommodation than does a child free couple or individual. Money is the best measure of status. Living without drama is considered cold at worst and reserved at best.

This, of course, is the perspective of the divorced child free oldest sister (me) who actually lived away from home for nearly 20 years. With no family and only new friends and acquaintances available, an inclination toward reserved self-reliance was adaptive. When coupled with my independent egalitarian attitudes and a compulsion to ask “why,” my company is less than comfortable. And, I get tired of censoring myself just to keep the peace. (Probably why I’m divorced and contentedly single!) I also get tired of having the same arguments over and over again.

Fortunately, I usually find a few coworkers and friends who are interested in ideas: talking about them, comparing them, evaluating them. The trick is finding people who remain civil when their viewpoints are challenged. I enjoy a good discussion and have been known to argue against my own viewpoint just for the fun of it.

Since I don’t ask for help often, I’m taken seriously when I do. When asking for that help, I try to prioritize the other person’s circumstances. When I’m asked for my opinion, I give it. I try to do it gently and may even confirm it’s really wanted, but then I express it. I’m good at problem solving, at finding common ground and at establishing the parameters of a situation. I’ve gotten better at doing what I feel is right and letting go of the outcome. I am happy to express compassion and offer reasonable support. I will not offer platitudes or accept faulty reasoning. I don’t think assigning guilt or engendering it is helpful in relationships, especially among family. Hear both sides of the issue and then move on.

Within my family, this means I’ve assumed the roles of rebel, negotiator, advocate, critic and outcast … sometimes concurrently. I play caretaker judiciously. Since I’ve given family members persona designations, I’ve given myself one to be fair. As the family Ice Princess, I value logic over emotion and fairness over winning.

I implement my beliefs imperfectly. I slip back into consumerism. I avoid confrontation and procrastinate. I question the value of life. At bedrock though, I believe that everyone’s (and everything’s) life has value. And that includes mine.