Stuck in the Past

July 15, 2023July 15, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Once married, I moved away from home. For nearly twenty years, I lived too far away for easy family visits or too much family drama. When I moved home, that quickly changed.

Unfortunately, some family members were stuck in the past, insisting on analyzing the actions and relationships from that era rather than establishing adult ones.

Analyzing present events and interactions based on the past, leaves little room for building relationships. Slights are easily found if you are looking for them. No accommodation or concession is enough when measured against the past.

I’ve found that living through the same events does not mean you have the same experiences. When those events are memories, motivation becomes subject to the human need for patterns and storytelling.

For example, I hid my hearing loss all through grade school. Why? My sister lectures me about being responsible for the degree of loss because I didn’t tell anyone while it was happening. I believe NOW that I was trying to fit in. I didn’t want another thing that made me different. I doubt I’d have explained it that way when I was twelve.

My sister believes that I got all the attention from our parents and grandparents because of my early health issues and I can’t deny the truth of that in the early years. However, as we got older, I was independent and often solitary. Those adults had time for her, but she had to forge those relationships … find those activities … and interpret them in positive ways.

Scarcity sees attention given to others as diminishing the attention given to you. Inclusion means the quality of the attention diminishes. You are lesser. Standing up for yourself means others accepting your interpretation or else. Sadly, “or else” is often the outcome that ends relationships.

I put an end to analyzing the past (and not just for me). I put a moratorium on guilt. I also refuse to worry about how every action or inaction will be interpreted. I don’t have an “or else,” but I do have “I’m done with that.”

Ethics · Health · Nature · Personal · Pets · Uncategorized

Sixth Sense

July 14, 2023July 14, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

What if everyone has an extra ability? Or several? They could be big or small, but they wouldn’t be considered “normal.” They wouldn’t be something everybody talked about. They would probably be hidden

Empathy might be a more common one. I know that I cared more in general when I was a child. I slowly realized that could be used to hurt or control me. I layered other gifts over it … things like logic, objectivity and observation.

As a child I believed that I could understand animals, not speech but still communication. In the beginning, I believe it was natural and went along with my instinct to be quiet and still, to watch and wait.

Adulthood was a long Interlude where I locked away my instincts, intuition and emotions in order to fit it and even to compete and excel. I was both disconnected and searching for connection. In my thirties I asked, “Is this all there is?” The meaning of THIS varies for everyone, but I meant trying to please other people, to meet expectations, and to work to make money to buy better and bigger things.

While searching for understanding, I renewed my sense of wonder, my connection to nature and began reforging the link between my emotions and my mind. I got really sick and an abused cat helped rescue me. We bonded so intimately that we really did share emotions and thoughts/intentions. Possibility bloomed … slowly.

I started the journey back to the beliefs and intentions I’d lost or never codified. The biggest one has been that all life has intrinsic value beyond how humans can use it, including my own.

I have several other knacks. I can wake during the night and know what time it is, usually within ten minutes or so. If I truly care about it, I can set a mental alarm clock and wake when I need to. I’m a lucid dreamer, although less so now than when I was young. I have a sneaking suspicion that many people have similar knacks and that a lot of people suppress then and never get them back.

I remain more cautious and more reserved than in my childhood, but I’m grateful to understand I’m making that choice and can change whenever I need to.

Family · Health · Memory · Nature · Personal · reading · School

Broken Hearted in Grade School

June 1, 2023June 1, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Reading very quickly became my favorite thing. By sixth grade, I was reading at twelfth grade level. I often spent recess or other free time in the school library. I was reading from one side to the other of the shelves in our small library. When I got through fiction, I read biography and history. Best of all, I found mythology.

Once I found mythology, I looked for stories everywhere. Meanwhile, I experienced all the common childhood illnesses, including measles, mumps and chicken pox. I usually had bronchitis at least once each winter. I had walking pneumonia and a couple concussions. I didn’t break any bones, but I stepped on bees, sprained ankles and tumbled off bikes. Reading saved me during all the down time. I loved ordering Scholastic books at school and visiting the library.

After my open heart surgery at age three, I was followed pretty closely until released at age six. Because of the heart issues, my baby teeth needed dental work. My body was not my friend. I didn’t like failing and I didn’t like sports. I was competitive and felt that I couldn’t compete. Instead, I found solitary activities. I collected frogs from the garden and released them again. I rode my bike up and down hills in nearby grassy lots. I took books and snacks to make nests in tall summer grass. I liked badminton, swings and climbing trees.

I especially liked reading books and having them turn into movies in my head and feeling like I was living them. I had adventures and experiences. I was competitive intellectually and academically. I could plot and I could plan. All this was so good in so many ways, but helped set up the disconnect between ME and my body which was always disappointing or failing me.

Family · Health · Memory · Personal

Broken Heart

April 27, 2023May 6, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

I was born with a broken heart and everyone knew it. I was too small for surgery. I had to wait. While I was waiting, I had to be quiet and careful. I had to be small when I wanted to be big.

I wanted to do everything. I wanted to feel everything. I wanted to know everything. I also wanted love. I also wanted approval. I tried to do as I was told and, when I did, I got love and approval. Doing what other people wanted, gave me love and approval. This was experience not reasoning. Call it conditioning.

My world was small, but I had my imagination and then I learned to read and I HAD BOOKS. And my heart was mended. But quiet and careful were already habits for me as expected by everyone.

Drugs · Family · Health · Pain Management

Get Over It (the Opioid Crisis) Already

April 14, 2023April 14, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

My mom will turn 81 years old this July. She has been struggling without effective pain medication for over a year. Her OTC options are very limited because she is in Stage 4 kidney failure. She’s managed to stave off actual dialysis for nearly five years. She’s had one shoulder and one hip replaced and should probably have the remaining two replaced. But really at 81 years old?! She also has osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, sciatica and spinal disk issues.

And she isn’t able to truly manage her pain … because the backlash from addiction to opiods has meant that the people who really need them often can’t get them. We resorted to buying edible cannibas (high CBD/low THC). She sleeps more to escape the pain and her energy is depleted from the stress of dealing with continuous chronic pain. She loved taking her Yorkie for a daily walk. She enjoyed going out to shop and eat, visiting the ocean etc. COVID limited that for such a long time that we were really looking forward to doing them again. And she just can’t cope without effective pain relief.

We figured something had happened to change policies at her PeaceHealth medical provider and recently had confirmed via an article in a local newspaper that one of the senior doctors (who just happened to be her doctor) was both over prescribing and prescribing for himself.

In the interim, her doctor recommended a drug that interfered with her muscle control and led to falls, shots directly into her joints and back, physical therapy and, of course, more surgery. Again, she is 80 years old. Quality of life is clearly more inportant than quantity at this point. She’d been taking Hydrocodone without overuse or addiction off and on for years. Getting addicted seems highly unlikely and, even if she did, why would it really matter?

She had a wellness exam with her doctor and I went into it armed for grizzly bears. We were not leaving without a plan that included a medication to manage her pain. Viola! The prescription had to be reviewed by a “team,” but we will be picking it up from the pharmacy tomorrow.

In conclusion, punishing people with a real need for pain management via opioids is WRONG. If some of those people no longer need the drug and/or get addictd, they need real treatment that is a viable alternative (maybe methodone), not to simply be cut off. Individuals become heroin addicts because heroin is cheaper then pills on the black market. And the need to get any of those things illegally, leads to crime annd broken lives. Treating the social issues that lead to addiction might also be a “good” idea.