Confrontation

August 23, 2023August 23, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

I have never liked confrontations, avoiding them whenever possible. I learned to tolerate conflict though. Eventually, I’d be the designated challenger of authority and the status quo.

After moving to Fort Polk and marrying my now ex-husband, I lived in a tiny rented mobile home and looked for work. We had one car (his) and a tight budget. I was totally uncomfortable spending his money on anything for myself. Since I was home all day, I contributed by managing household and financial tasks. For example, I found a much better auto insurance rate.

I eventually got the chance to take the civil service test. I scored high and got hired as a clerk in the family practice clinic at the Army hospital. We got our first auto loan, trading his car in on our Ford Escort. Since we now worked near one another with similar schedules, sharing a single car and two jobs was manageable. That management shaped our initial lifestyle clashes.

After several weeks as a working couple, we arrived home as usual and he got comfortable and sat down while I rushed to pick up things and get ready for the following day. Then I just stopped. Looking around, I asked, “Have you noticed that I am still rushing around after you’ve gotten comfortable?” His expression was vaguely, “Okay.” After dropping the things I’d collected next to him, I explained, “From now on, instead of you relaxing while I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off, we will both scurry about and then we will both relax.” And we usually did just that. Turns out that I cared about clutter and he cared about clean.

Family · Memory · Personal · relationships

The End In The Beginning

April 27, 2023April 27, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

How do you know when a relationship has ended? There are obvious moments: When one of you asks for a divorce. When you realize that you are happier when you arrive home to an empty house. When you stop caring about his opinion because it is always so negative, or critical, or judgemental.

But a hundred tiny moments come before those big moments. Some are identifiable landmarks. Others are cumulative.

In my case, I began by putting the other person first. Every time I chose myself instead, the relationship developed a crack. Those small cracks waited for the bigger events to fissure and spread.

The first cracks and the first landmark evolved together. While he was away at basic training, he wrote and sent a “Dear Jane” letter which he followed with a request to destroy it without reading it. I did. A few months later, he proposed by phone. I planned the wedding. When he got home, he visited a childhood friend and cancelled the wedding – also by phone. At the time, I was unaware of any connection. I called it cold feet and panic. We were young.

A few days passed. Driving home with my parents, I simply knew he was at the house waiting. I told them and, when we got there, he was. My grandfather had refused to talk to him, so he was napping in his car. I talked to him. I was 21 years old. I agreed to wear his ring and to keep talking. All this resulted in the wedding he planned and I flew to Louisiana for. He forgot a bouquet and none of my family or friends could attend.

He shaped the circumstances, but I was always the one who chose and acted. I wound up with the responsibility.

I didn’t have to forgive. I didn’t have to say, “Yes.” I didn’t have to leave home.

Ethics · Nature · Personal

Words To Live By

April 22, 2023April 23, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Aspirations are the only words worth living by because you are living up to then, but not living for them. You are still making choices yourself.

I try to act in line with who I want to be. I take that action and let go of the results. I do that because I can’t control the choices other people make and that always influences the outcome. Sometimes this is tiring. The temptation is to do what is easy and sometimes I do that because I’m certainly not perfect.

I try not to be pessimistic. My family indoctrination counts change as always dangerous rather than an opportunity. If someone helps, they always want something from you. If something could go wrong, it will. None of this promotes feelings of happiness or trust. I decided instead to give everyone and every situation a baseline of trust and let actions and events move that level up or down.

I choose to be independent, relying first on myself and only then on trusted people or social or government supports. “Better to plan for the worst and hope for the best.” My sense of belonging to groups is minimal and measured.

I care about justice, equity and fairness. I don’t believe in scarcity. For example, raising service workers to a living wage isn’t a referendum on my wages, my profession or my life choices. I’m a “progressive.”

Finally, I care about life. Sometimes fishermen need to take a hit to save the salmon. Life, living things and the planet all have intrinsic value beyond their usefulness to humanity. When we forget that, the ecosystem will correct for our hubris.