Tag: roles

Confrontation
Family · Personal · relationships

Confrontation

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I have never liked confrontations, avoiding them whenever possible. I learned to tolerate conflict though. Eventually, I’d be the designated challenger of authority and the status quo.

After moving to Fort Polk and marrying my now ex-husband, I lived in a tiny rented mobile home and looked for work. We had one car (his) and a tight budget. I was totally uncomfortable spending his money on anything for myself. Since I was home all day, I contributed by managing household and financial tasks. For example, I found a much better auto insurance rate.

I eventually got the chance to take the civil service test. I scored high and got hired as a clerk in the family practice clinic at the Army hospital. We got our first auto loan, trading his car in on our Ford Escort. Since we now worked near one another with similar schedules, sharing a single car and two jobs was manageable. That management shaped our initial lifestyle clashes.

After several weeks as a working couple, we arrived home as usual and he got comfortable and sat down while I rushed to pick up things and get ready for the following day. Then I just stopped. Looking around, I asked, “Have you noticed that I am still rushing around after you’ve gotten comfortable?” His expression was vaguely, “Okay.” After dropping the things I’d collected next to him, I explained, “From now on, instead of you relaxing while I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off, we will both scurry about and then we will both relax.” And we usually did just that. Turns out that I cared about clutter and he cared about clean.

Stuck in the Past
Family · Health · Memory · Personal · relationships

Stuck in the Past

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Once married, I moved away from home. For nearly twenty years, I lived too far away for easy family visits or too much family drama. When I moved home, that quickly changed.

Unfortunately, some family members were stuck in the past, insisting on analyzing the actions and relationships from that era rather than establishing adult ones.

Analyzing present events and interactions based on the past, leaves little room for building relationships. Slights are easily found if you are looking for them. No accommodation or concession is enough when measured against the past.

I’ve found that living through the same events does not mean you have the same experiences. When those events are memories, motivation becomes subject to the human need for patterns and storytelling.

For example, I hid my hearing loss all through grade school. Why? My sister lectures me about being responsible for the degree of loss because I didn’t tell anyone while it was happening. I believe NOW that I was trying to fit in. I didn’t want another thing that made me different. I doubt I’d have explained it that way when I was twelve.

My sister believes that I got all the attention from our parents and grandparents because of my early health issues and I can’t deny the truth of that in the early years. However, as we got older, I was independent and often solitary. Those adults had time for her, but she had to forge those relationships … find those activities … and interpret them in positive ways.

Scarcity sees attention given to others as diminishing the attention given to you. Inclusion means the quality of the attention diminishes. You are lesser. Standing up for yourself means others accepting your interpretation or else. Sadly, “or else” is often the outcome that ends relationships.

I put an end to analyzing the past (and not just for me). I put a moratorium on guilt. I also refuse to worry about how every action or inaction will be interpreted. I don’t have an “or else,” but I do have “I’m done with that.”

Sixth Sense
Ethics · Health · Nature · Personal · Pets · Uncategorized

Sixth Sense

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What if everyone has an extra ability? Or several? They could be big or small, but they wouldn’t be considered “normal.” They wouldn’t be something everybody talked about. They would probably be hidden

Empathy might be a more common one. I know that I cared more in general when I was a child. I slowly realized that could be used to hurt or control me. I layered other gifts over it … things like logic, objectivity and observation.

As a child I believed that I could understand animals, not speech but still communication. In the beginning, I believe it was natural and went along with my instinct to be quiet and still, to watch and wait.

Adulthood was a long Interlude where I locked away my instincts, intuition and emotions in order to fit it and even to compete and excel. I was both disconnected and searching for connection. In my thirties I asked, “Is this all there is?” The meaning of THIS varies for everyone, but I meant trying to please other people, to meet expectations, and to work to make money to buy better and bigger things.

While searching for understanding, I renewed my sense of wonder, my connection to nature and began reforging the link between my emotions and my mind. I got really sick and an abused cat helped rescue me. We bonded so intimately that we really did share emotions and thoughts/intentions. Possibility bloomed … slowly.

I started the journey back to the beliefs and intentions I’d lost or never codified. The biggest one has been that all life has intrinsic value beyond how humans can use it, including my own.

I have several other knacks. I can wake during the night and know what time it is, usually within ten minutes or so. If I truly care about it, I can set a mental alarm clock and wake when I need to. I’m a lucid dreamer, although less so now than when I was young. I have a sneaking suspicion that many people have similar knacks and that a lot of people suppress then and never get them back.

I remain more cautious and more reserved than in my childhood, but I’m grateful to understand I’m making that choice and can change whenever I need to.

Roles and Assumptions
Ethics · Family · Personal · relationships · Society

Roles and Assumptions

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Over time, societal assumptions strongly influence family dynamics.

The underlying social premises are that self-employment is harder and deserves more consideration than working for someone else. Working while raising a family deserves more respect and accommodation than does a child free couple or individual. Money is the best measure of status. Living without drama is considered cold at worst and reserved at best.

This, of course, is the perspective of the divorced child free oldest sister (me) who actually lived away from home for nearly 20 years. With no family and only new friends and acquaintances available, an inclination toward reserved self-reliance was adaptive. When coupled with my independent egalitarian attitudes and a compulsion to ask “why,” my company is less than comfortable. And, I get tired of censoring myself just to keep the peace. (Probably why I’m divorced and contentedly single!) I also get tired of having the same arguments over and over again.

Fortunately, I usually find a few coworkers and friends who are interested in ideas: talking about them, comparing them, evaluating them. The trick is finding people who remain civil when their viewpoints are challenged. I enjoy a good discussion and have been known to argue against my own viewpoint just for the fun of it.

Since I don’t ask for help often, I’m taken seriously when I do. When asking for that help, I try to prioritize the other person’s circumstances. When I’m asked for my opinion, I give it. I try to do it gently and may even confirm it’s really wanted, but then I express it. I’m good at problem solving, at finding common ground and at establishing the parameters of a situation. I’ve gotten better at doing what I feel is right and letting go of the outcome. I am happy to express compassion and offer reasonable support. I will not offer platitudes or accept faulty reasoning. I don’t think assigning guilt or engendering it is helpful in relationships, especially among family. Hear both sides of the issue and then move on.

Within my family, this means I’ve assumed the roles of rebel, negotiator, advocate, critic and outcast … sometimes concurrently. I play caretaker judiciously. Since I’ve given family members persona designations, I’ve given myself one to be fair. As the family Ice Princess, I value logic over emotion and fairness over winning.

I implement my beliefs imperfectly. I slip back into consumerism. I avoid confrontation and procrastinate. I question the value of life. At bedrock though, I believe that everyone’s (and everything’s) life has value. And that includes mine.