Stuck in the Past

July 15, 2023July 15, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Once married, I moved away from home. For nearly twenty years, I lived too far away for easy family visits or too much family drama. When I moved home, that quickly changed.

Unfortunately, some family members were stuck in the past, insisting on analyzing the actions and relationships from that era rather than establishing adult ones.

Analyzing present events and interactions based on the past, leaves little room for building relationships. Slights are easily found if you are looking for them. No accommodation or concession is enough when measured against the past.

I’ve found that living through the same events does not mean you have the same experiences. When those events are memories, motivation becomes subject to the human need for patterns and storytelling.

For example, I hid my hearing loss all through grade school. Why? My sister lectures me about being responsible for the degree of loss because I didn’t tell anyone while it was happening. I believe NOW that I was trying to fit in. I didn’t want another thing that made me different. I doubt I’d have explained it that way when I was twelve.

My sister believes that I got all the attention from our parents and grandparents because of my early health issues and I can’t deny the truth of that in the early years. However, as we got older, I was independent and often solitary. Those adults had time for her, but she had to forge those relationships … find those activities … and interpret them in positive ways.

Scarcity sees attention given to others as diminishing the attention given to you. Inclusion means the quality of the attention diminishes. You are lesser. Standing up for yourself means others accepting your interpretation or else. Sadly, “or else” is often the outcome that ends relationships.

I put an end to analyzing the past (and not just for me). I put a moratorium on guilt. I also refuse to worry about how every action or inaction will be interpreted. I don’t have an “or else,” but I do have “I’m done with that.”

Ethics · Health · Nature · Personal · Pets · Uncategorized

Sixth Sense

July 14, 2023July 14, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

What if everyone has an extra ability? Or several? They could be big or small, but they wouldn’t be considered “normal.” They wouldn’t be something everybody talked about. They would probably be hidden

Empathy might be a more common one. I know that I cared more in general when I was a child. I slowly realized that could be used to hurt or control me. I layered other gifts over it … things like logic, objectivity and observation.

As a child I believed that I could understand animals, not speech but still communication. In the beginning, I believe it was natural and went along with my instinct to be quiet and still, to watch and wait.

Adulthood was a long Interlude where I locked away my instincts, intuition and emotions in order to fit it and even to compete and excel. I was both disconnected and searching for connection. In my thirties I asked, “Is this all there is?” The meaning of THIS varies for everyone, but I meant trying to please other people, to meet expectations, and to work to make money to buy better and bigger things.

While searching for understanding, I renewed my sense of wonder, my connection to nature and began reforging the link between my emotions and my mind. I got really sick and an abused cat helped rescue me. We bonded so intimately that we really did share emotions and thoughts/intentions. Possibility bloomed … slowly.

I started the journey back to the beliefs and intentions I’d lost or never codified. The biggest one has been that all life has intrinsic value beyond how humans can use it, including my own.

I have several other knacks. I can wake during the night and know what time it is, usually within ten minutes or so. If I truly care about it, I can set a mental alarm clock and wake when I need to. I’m a lucid dreamer, although less so now than when I was young. I have a sneaking suspicion that many people have similar knacks and that a lot of people suppress then and never get them back.

I remain more cautious and more reserved than in my childhood, but I’m grateful to understand I’m making that choice and can change whenever I need to.

Ethics · Family · Personal · relationships · Society

Roles and Assumptions

May 15, 2023May 17, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Over time, societal assumptions strongly influence family dynamics.

The underlying social premises are that self-employment is harder and deserves more consideration than working for someone else. Working while raising a family deserves more respect and accommodation than does a child free couple or individual. Money is the best measure of status. Living without drama is considered cold at worst and reserved at best.

This, of course, is the perspective of the divorced child free oldest sister (me) who actually lived away from home for nearly 20 years. With no family and only new friends and acquaintances available, an inclination toward reserved self-reliance was adaptive. When coupled with my independent egalitarian attitudes and a compulsion to ask “why,” my company is less than comfortable. And, I get tired of censoring myself just to keep the peace. (Probably why I’m divorced and contentedly single!) I also get tired of having the same arguments over and over again.

Fortunately, I usually find a few coworkers and friends who are interested in ideas: talking about them, comparing them, evaluating them. The trick is finding people who remain civil when their viewpoints are challenged. I enjoy a good discussion and have been known to argue against my own viewpoint just for the fun of it.

Since I don’t ask for help often, I’m taken seriously when I do. When asking for that help, I try to prioritize the other person’s circumstances. When I’m asked for my opinion, I give it. I try to do it gently and may even confirm it’s really wanted, but then I express it. I’m good at problem solving, at finding common ground and at establishing the parameters of a situation. I’ve gotten better at doing what I feel is right and letting go of the outcome. I am happy to express compassion and offer reasonable support. I will not offer platitudes or accept faulty reasoning. I don’t think assigning guilt or engendering it is helpful in relationships, especially among family. Hear both sides of the issue and then move on.

Within my family, this means I’ve assumed the roles of rebel, negotiator, advocate, critic and outcast … sometimes concurrently. I play caretaker judiciously. Since I’ve given family members persona designations, I’ve given myself one to be fair. As the family Ice Princess, I value logic over emotion and fairness over winning.

I implement my beliefs imperfectly. I slip back into consumerism. I avoid confrontation and procrastinate. I question the value of life. At bedrock though, I believe that everyone’s (and everything’s) life has value. And that includes mine.

Ethics · Nature · Personal

Words To Live By

April 22, 2023April 23, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Aspirations are the only words worth living by because you are living up to then, but not living for them. You are still making choices yourself.

I try to act in line with who I want to be. I take that action and let go of the results. I do that because I can’t control the choices other people make and that always influences the outcome. Sometimes this is tiring. The temptation is to do what is easy and sometimes I do that because I’m certainly not perfect.

I try not to be pessimistic. My family indoctrination counts change as always dangerous rather than an opportunity. If someone helps, they always want something from you. If something could go wrong, it will. None of this promotes feelings of happiness or trust. I decided instead to give everyone and every situation a baseline of trust and let actions and events move that level up or down.

I choose to be independent, relying first on myself and only then on trusted people or social or government supports. “Better to plan for the worst and hope for the best.” My sense of belonging to groups is minimal and measured.

I care about justice, equity and fairness. I don’t believe in scarcity. For example, raising service workers to a living wage isn’t a referendum on my wages, my profession or my life choices. I’m a “progressive.”

Finally, I care about life. Sometimes fishermen need to take a hit to save the salmon. Life, living things and the planet all have intrinsic value beyond their usefulness to humanity. When we forget that, the ecosystem will correct for our hubris.