Roles and Assumptions

May 15, 2023May 17, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Over time, societal assumptions strongly influence family dynamics.

The underlying social premises are that self-employment is harder and deserves more consideration than working for someone else. Working while raising a family deserves more respect and accommodation than does a child free couple or individual. Money is the best measure of status. Living without drama is considered cold at worst and reserved at best.

This, of course, is the perspective of the divorced child free oldest sister (me) who actually lived away from home for nearly 20 years. With no family and only new friends and acquaintances available, an inclination toward reserved self-reliance was adaptive. When coupled with my independent egalitarian attitudes and a compulsion to ask “why,” my company is less than comfortable. And, I get tired of censoring myself just to keep the peace. (Probably why I’m divorced and contentedly single!) I also get tired of having the same arguments over and over again.

Fortunately, I usually find a few coworkers and friends who are interested in ideas: talking about them, comparing them, evaluating them. The trick is finding people who remain civil when their viewpoints are challenged. I enjoy a good discussion and have been known to argue against my own viewpoint just for the fun of it.

Since I don’t ask for help often, I’m taken seriously when I do. When asking for that help, I try to prioritize the other person’s circumstances. When I’m asked for my opinion, I give it. I try to do it gently and may even confirm it’s really wanted, but then I express it. I’m good at problem solving, at finding common ground and at establishing the parameters of a situation. I’ve gotten better at doing what I feel is right and letting go of the outcome. I am happy to express compassion and offer reasonable support. I will not offer platitudes or accept faulty reasoning. I don’t think assigning guilt or engendering it is helpful in relationships, especially among family. Hear both sides of the issue and then move on.

Within my family, this means I’ve assumed the roles of rebel, negotiator, advocate, critic and outcast … sometimes concurrently. I play caretaker judiciously. Since I’ve given family members persona designations, I’ve given myself one to be fair. As the family Ice Princess, I value logic over emotion and fairness over winning.

I implement my beliefs imperfectly. I slip back into consumerism. I avoid confrontation and procrastinate. I question the value of life. At bedrock though, I believe that everyone’s (and everything’s) life has value. And that includes mine.

Family · Memory · Personal · School

Living Bigger

May 8, 2023May 8, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

Living big, taking chances, trying new things is hard when staying small and quiet is a comfortable habit. Watching and evaluating feels much safer.

Few children lived near me growing up and few who did were girls. My parents were also very protective for the times. I skipped kindergarten and was my teacher’s favorite in first grade. Fortunately, I found a best friend and a couple of casual friends who saw me through grade school. I read voraciously, rode my bike, played with my younger sister and spent a lot of time with family. My grandpa retired young for health reasons, so I had three adults doting on me even before my dad got home from work and made it four.

The transition from grade school to junior high school (7th to 9th grades) was traumatic. My best friend’s parents divorced and I felt very isolated without her. For a long time, at home after school, I could actually replay the day to myself like a movie that happened to someone else while I watched from above.

Eventually, two of my casual friends stepped forward and were company at school, but I remained contained by family at home. I was quiet and studious during the school day. I got excellent grades and was rewarded for it with a boost to my allowance. At home, I was talkative and energetic (when not reading), but I found joining in difficult in class.

Things might have continued in the same way right through high school, but I realized part of my unhappiness was within my control. In my junior year, I decided to make changes. I joined the National Honor Society and the pep club. I attended football games, both home and away. I was a student aide in a couple classes. I got my driver’s license the following summer and it all helped.

Mt Saint Helens erupted shortly before the end of my senior year. I graduated in the top 10% of my class and left for college at the end of the summer.

My small life was getting bigger. I broke ground for my sister by fighting for my independence at home. I still felt as though something was missing, but I also had hope.

Family · Memory · Pets

Why a Fold? Beginning

April 23, 2023April 23, 2023 eBrightwingLeave a comment

During the pandemic I moved myself and my parrot Erin in with my mom. I teleworked from her location, 80 miles from my actual work. We joined her and her two Yorkies, Bear and Suzy.

We adjusted to circumscribed living and enjoyed their company, but Suzy had a heart condition and a tumor. She passed. We all missed her, but I began to think of getting a cat.

I’ve had three kittens in my life. My other cats were rescues or adoptions. Since Bear is older, I thought he’d find it easier to adjust to a kitten and might even bond with a baby. At first, I searched for adoptable kittens. I wanted kittens within 12-16 weeks and found none.

While I looked, I pulled out my books about cats and reread THE CAT WHO WENT TO PARIS series. I loved Norton the Scottish Fold then and now. I decided to look for breeders. The sticker shock was gigantic, but I found one who had kittens. Mom and I originally wanted two, but finally decided on one to be my focus while Bear remained hers.

Bernie, the mildly disgruntled (after Bernie Sanders), was a hard sell. He was the next thing to indifferent to what I wanted, but he was also very mellow. He was unconcerned to be loaded into his soft carrier for an hour drive. He got a little noisy about half way and we stopped for a few minutes of reassurance.

I brought him home to his tent where had a small litter box, food, water, toys, a shag bed, toys and some blankets waiting. Bear was very interested and Bernie was simply mellow. Much of this behavior is typical of a Scottish Fold.

He is independent, curious determined, companionable but only sometimes cuddly. He chases and explores but doesn’t really climb much. He’s fastidious. He chose his litter robot over his litter box because it was cleaner. We have pee pads down for Bear and, if Bernie finds a used one, he carefully ruffles or folds it to cover and hide the spot. He finds it rude.

When he couldn’t convince Bear to be his friend, he settled for grumpy uncle and made friends with parrot Erin instead. Sleeping on top of her cage remains one of his favorite spots, but he quickly learned respect after she stripped the fur and some skin on half of one side of his kitten tail.

While I know this is cliche:. Bernie is the most dog like cat I’ve ever known. Moreover, he actually thinks about and orders his time. If the first try fails, he tries it another way. If he really wants something he will get it or do it eventually.